I never thought I’d ever try to muster courage, muster a word, muster a breath or a smile. Today mustering was not an option, I could barely speak without wanting to choke on what I needed to say so my family didn’ think I was ignoring them. This has nothing to do with them and it breaks my heart knowing they probably blame themselves or blame me but it is the deep rooted sadness in my bones. I woke with it and I shall go to bed with it, I’ll dream with it and have nightmares about it. It’s around every corner and hiding in every empty space……it fills normal “nothings” with anger, regret and worthlessness…. feelings that repeat like a merry-go-round gone crazy, it gnaws a hole with no end…..so I go to bed and awake again to muster my way through another day…..