I never thought I’d ever try to muster courage, muster a word, muster a breath or a smile. Today mustering was not an option, I could barely speak without wanting to choke on what I needed to say so my family didn’ think I was ignoring them. This has nothing to do with them and it breaks my heart knowing they probably blame themselves or blame me but it is the deep rooted sadness in my bones. I woke with it and I shall go to bed with it, I’ll dream with it and have nightmares about it. It’s around every corner and hiding in every empty space……it fills normal “nothings” with anger, regret and worthlessness…. feelings that repeat like a merry-go-round gone crazy, it gnaws a hole with no end…..so I go to bed and awake again to muster my way through another day…..
I almost won, I almost made it , I almost had it, I almost grabbed it, I almost felt free of the chains ………. a life full of completeness and contentment a life where I love me and love who I am…..a life I could be happy to say I live to the fullest…….maybe next time ……
The day my first born daughters father killed himself, it changed my entire life and world as I once knew it. I was and have not been the same since. The guilt has left a permanent hole in my chest that reminds me everyday of him. When I look at her I see pieces of him……and I see her struggle, our beautiful child that we brought into this world…..To My Daughter… this is not by fault or choice but by genetics….my child , I will always try to hug your broken pieces together so you live freely and happily. She is an old soul in more ways than one, one who worries and stresses about things that shouldn’t bare down on anyone young and growing….
No matter where I go or where I travel he is always on my back, people see it, they hear it and sense it but no one mentions it …….it’s my curse to have alone……….the elephant is so heavy some days it’s actually too heavy to carry on my own, so instead I drag it around wherever I go……they accept my fake smiles and do not question my very evident physical disjointment and they listen to your fake laughs all the while with a huge elephant on my back. Sometimes I wish someone would scream at it and maybe it would listen and shrink after time, maybe I would be able to stand tall one day again like before I had depression, pride, confidence, emotions and love. Maybe if people who cared started talking about it instead of dancing around it , I want to talk about it every second of everyday as it’s my life I live no matter the time…….
So true to my world…….thank you for writing !!
And my drifting aimless gaze
settles on a distant mist-like haze
that wells up continuously inside,
like savage, misplaced pride,
and makes me drop like a stone
into waters unknown.
Lost on cruel tides that wend
the capitulating ocean to its end.
If only sleep could solve this quandary,
instead of leaving me on the periphery
of a world that spins aimlessly,
through head space and trickery,
and leaves me wanting nothing less.
And nothing more.
Time to leave this place.
I sit in my very first ever since I started this decent into hell , psychiatrist appointment . I’m scared, anxious , relieved to be here , and hopeful. I spent all day at MH yesterday and initially voluntarily checked myself in with misguided information. Not sure how someone who feels lost and desolate can stay in a cold unfeeling place for days to be assessed. I unchecked myself out of there so fast!! Id rather cry and be sad surrounded by my family rather than all alone , no communication or affection. It was a sad place and was not for me, now I sit waiting with the love of my life to hope for brighter days ahead and a brighter future.
I don’t sleep and when I do everyone is awake enjoying life. I rot slowly from the inside out , it has a terrible dying smell only I can sense, it’s my seconds and moments being stolen away by a brain malfunction. It’s as insidious as cancer
Telling people who don’t know or who dont suffer is exhausting…..there’s no imperfections to see or fix just my words of pure and utter sadness and disappointment and self hate. It has no fever there are no tests to get answers just a slow decent into my own personal hell…
I never in my life thought that I would have to really think about swallowing and breathing, 2 simple natural functions that us as humans are born to do. Since getting sick after my first born and now 17 yrs later with my symptoms getting harder to ignore…..I hold my breath constantly, I can hear my heart pounding in my ears as my body is begging me to breathe but my mind says “no” ……..it becomes a fight as I get light headed and know I must gasp for air but my anxiety has a tight grip on my lungs, the saliva is gathering in my throat as now I’m not worthy of swallowing…….my whole body and mind ( my soul I’m fairly certain is almost gone now) is struggling within its self to swallow and breathe……..So simple but for me the most difficult thing.
When you think you have everything you’ve ever needed….. perfect love and support.
You get sick with your “invisible” illness so suffocating that everyday things become massive and immense……. so difficult to accomplish anything you just need someone to hold your hand and lead you away . But no one comes….ever …..they just go about their lives driving, eating, cooking, showering and painting their nails while I lie in bed not able to see past seconds of living and dying is not an option. I want to disappear and fade into the darkness that bites at my back every fucking day.