If they can’t see it how do you show them…..

Telling people who don’t know or who dont suffer is exhausting…..there’s no imperfections to see or fix just my words of pure and utter sadness and disappointment and self hate.  It has no fever there are no tests to get answers just a slow decent into my own personal hell…

Breathing

I never in my life thought that I would have to really think about swallowing and breathing, 2 simple natural functions that us as humans are born to do.  Since getting sick after my first born and now 17 yrs later with my symptoms getting harder to ignore…..I hold my breath constantly, I can hear my heart pounding in my ears as my body is begging me to breathe but my mind says “no” ……..it becomes a fight as I get light headed and know I must gasp for air but my anxiety has a tight grip on my lungs, the saliva is gathering in my throat as now I’m not worthy of swallowing…….my whole body and mind ( my soul I’m fairly certain is almost gone now) is struggling within its self to swallow and breathe……..So simple but for me the most difficult thing.

No one comes running…..

When you think you have everything you’ve ever needed….. perfect love and support.

You get sick with your “invisible” illness so suffocating that everyday things become massive and immense……. so difficult to accomplish anything you just need someone to hold your hand and lead you away .  But no one comes….ever …..they just go about their lives driving, eating, cooking, showering and painting their nails while I lie in bed not able to see past seconds of living and dying  is not an option.  I want to disappear and fade into the darkness that bites at my back every fucking day.

Him

He’s everything I’ve ever wanted and more , he loves me with his whole heart and soul he sees past my self pity and sadness , he still smiles at me when he knows I’m dying inside .  He’s amazing and I can’t take care of  him like he adores and takes care of me.   I’m broken and he loves me like I’m WHOLE …..I’m dying inside and he’s so alive so giving and committed….I’m a failure to repeat my crime of having depression….and he lives to love me and my daughters,  he is a true blessing and a gift from God.  Without him…….I am a one finned fish swimming in circles…..he is my anchor